Welcome to WeeklyWilson.com, where author/film critic Connie (Corcoran) Wilson avoids totally losing her marbles in semi-retirement by writing about film (see the Chicago Film Festival reviews and SXSW), politics and books----her own books and those of other people. You'll also find her diverging frequently to share humorous (or not-so-humorous) anecdotes and concerns. Try it! You'll like it!

Category: Humor and Weird Wilson-isms Page 35 of 36

In the spirit of her full-length book “Laughing through Life” that featured humorous stories of child-rearing and general life, Connie has written humor columns for a variety of newspapers, which Erma Bombeck’s widower described as being very much like her columns when presented with a book at an Ohio writing festival.

Cancun, 2009, with the Babies in Tow

Babies in CancunWe’re here on the beach at the Royal Sands, and Ava and Elise seem to have taken to the native culture.

Our trip will be cut short by about 2 days as a result of my passport going missing at O’Hare on Saturday. (Never was found.) Fortunately, on Monday, we learned all you ever didn’t want to know about what you have to do if you have a passport that is lost or stolen. Thankfully, we were not abandoned in Canada (yes, Canada) with no jackets and only summer-weight clothes, which might have happened, has I not discovered the MIA passport just as we were to board to fly to Ottawa (Canada) from Chicago and then transfer to Air Canada to fly to Cancun. I can hear you saying, “Wh-a-a-a-a-t?” Such is the world of “free” air miles.

As a result of the loss of the passport, we spent 4 days in Chicago sorting everything out and ended up buying the more “direct” route, AND, since I shared the news of the mishap with the daughter (in NYC), she shared the information that she was on “spring break” right then, and I said, “Well, buy yourself a ticket and ‘Come on down!'” She said, “isn’t it too late?” My response: “I bought 2 tickets at 3 p.m. yesterday for Wednesday at 9 a.m., so I don’t think so!” She ended up flying through Philadelphia and the son and wife and twins (not quite 3 months old) and the daughter (just turned 21) are all here with us…through Saturday, anyway.

We’ve not done too many ‘daring’ things, although there was an attempt to rent jet skiis today, which was foiled by the high winds and treacherous waters. The weather, so far, has been perfect: balmy, a bit windy, but warm. Coolest it has gotten is 79.

Take a look at today’s activity for the little girls. First, it was the Obama Inauguration. Then, it was the Super Bowl. Now, it is watching the ocean while enjoying their favorite beverage.

Life doesn’t get any better than this.

Re-enacters Share Space at the Westin Hotel with “Love Is Murder” Writing Conference

During a recent stint on two panels at the “Love Is Murder” writing conference the first weekend in February at the Westin Hotel in Wheeling, Illinois, we shared the space with a re-enacters convention.

Apparently, re-enacting is big and popular business, with all eras and all sorts of costumes depicted. You couldn’t help but smile as you watched a Roman Centurion clanking around in the lobby or a minister chatting with a WWI-clad soldier,

Here are a few of the pictures of the re-enacters I took that weekend. Submit your own captions.

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Sean Leary Is A Freak Magnet

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Sean Leary is a freak magnet.
It must be true. It’s even the title of his collection of 13+ essays, detailing how unusual people flock to him. (My Life as a Freak Magnet, from Dreams Beach Productions).
If Sean is magnetic north for weird bag ladies on the Chicago bus who call him “anchyman” and/or various trailer park types who (usually) end up in some sort of physical or verbal altercation, then the back “teaser” on this 156-page collection gives an idea of the David Sedaris-like flavor of the total series of recollections from Sean’s youth and adulthood: “Call me a psychic, call me a genius, but I knew something was awry when I saw the two-year-old, clad only in a diaper, scampering across the gravel, two-fisting a full beer can. It was a tall boy. The beer, I mean, not the child.” (from “Last Train to Charlenesville”).
And so it goes.

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Leary has a wry sense of humor and a way with titles such as “You Never Forget Your First Stabbing.” (No, you don’t, I suppose). He wishes each of us experiences similar to his own, saying, “May you live in interesting times, surrounded by interesting people.”
I particularly enjoy(ed) opening lines like “Never go to a wedding dressed in leather chaps and a spiked mask,” or titles such as “The Yeast Infection Girl Who Kidnapped Me.” It’s hard for me to decide which essay I enjoyed most: “It’s All In Your Head,” about the weird duo in the bookstore, (one of whom later shows up in an obituary as a man who commits suicide by jumping off the Centennial Bridge in Rock Island, Illinois) or “Riot in the Food Court,” a blow-by-blow account (literally) of all-out war waged in the North Park Mall Food Court in January, 2007. And you are there. Or, rather, Leary was there, watching and letting us know how the mayhem went down.
I enjoyed reading about Sean’s childhood and his circle of friends. Many of the phrases and figures of speech were funny as hell (If hell is funny…and we really don’t know, do we?)
My only English-teacher criticism (from 36 years of teaching), for which Sean will have to cut me some slack, would be: Always put yourself last when mentioning a group of people (eg. “If, not when, I and my family would finally be able to move away” but “If, not when, my family and I would finally be able to move away,” or , as on p. 67, “…I, my sister Tara, 9, brother Craig, 7, and sister Heather, 6, ..rifled down the stairs and out the front door…”). It definitely used to be a grammar rule.
If it’s not, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me. I, also, started writing at age 10, so I’ve been at this a lot longer than Sean, and the grammar rules keep changing on me.
I look forward to reading Sean’s short story collection Every Number Is Lucky to Someone next, and giving you some reactions to that no doubt equally enjoyable work, too.

Links to Sean Leary’s books:

Oklahoma City, El Reno and Points West

el-reno-0061Day Two in Oklahoma City and we take a trip to see the World’s Largest Milk Bottle. This leftover bit of Route 66 memorabilia is located at 2426 N. Classen Blvd and is owned by Iyhuhg, who, I am happy to report, makes the absolute best egg Vietnamese egg rolls ever. It’s really small inside the milk bottle building, which is called Banh Mi Ba Le. Their specialties are Saigon Baquette, Chicken, Roa St. BBQ Pork Subs, luncheon pork subs, grilled pork subs and meat ball subs.

We visited the memorial to the victims of the Oklahoma City Federal Building bombing, which took place on April 19, 1995, and I also took pictures of a small memorial on the corner directly opposite, which also memorializes the bombing with a picture of a weeping Jesus and the cross from St. Joseph Old Cathedral, which had been installed in the east end of the church in 1909 and survived the blast, while much of the rest of the church, including priceless stained glass windows that had been in the church since  the 1800s were destroyed.

Each victim of the bombing has an individual chair-like monument with his or her name etched on it, and there is a shallow pool, with, at one end, the exact time one minute before the blast (9:01 a.m.) and one minute after (9:03 a.m.) the blast. The blast occurred at 9:02 a.m., 168 people died, and Timothy McVeigh was ultimately executed for the senseless murder of innocent victims. While we were there, I listened to a mother of a girl named Stephanie describe how her daughter was working 2 blocks away in a law office that day and rushed to the indescribably horror of the scene. I remember that my son’s roommate, whose last name was also Wilson, lived in Oklahoma City at the time and conveyed the complete disbelief at the senseless act of domestic terrorism. There are still items left at an impromptu fence-like display to the immediate left of the entrance to the memorial.

After visiting the Memorial (and the milk bottle), we ate in El Reno at Jimmy’s, one of the three burger joints in that former Route 66 town that participates in building the World’s Biggest Hamburger every year. Onions are mashed into the hamburgers. There are 3 such places that assist the Fire Department in building the Guinness Book of World Records-holding bit. I took pictures of the 3 waitresses who didn’t flee when I entered the café. They were Ashlee Brinman (in pink shirt), Ashlee Higgins (aka “Higgie”) in brown and Sheila Cowan in green. Several others (male and female) ran and hid in the kitchen as I took the picture. A very sweet young girl named Samantha Wilkinson sold me a small homemade angel, which I told her would protect us on our trip.

Then, I read the El Reno newspaper, to learn of the sad death of Dewayne Moore, who was killed while delivering pizzas in Oklahoma City (which is about 20 miles away from El Reno). Dewayne’s father is Jeremy Moore, who apparently was valedictorian of his 1998 Calumet High School Class (what that had to do with his son’s senseless shooting, I do not know) and a brother, Josh, who is a civil contractor in Iraq. The story seemed to be more about Jeremy than DeWayne, as Jerome explained how he began to hear “it.” “On the 4th day, ‘it’ was getting louder.  At the funeral home, ‘it’ embraced me. The love of God embraced me.”

The second interesting El Reno story involved a 100-mile race that had 175 participants who ran from 9 a.m. to Canadian County and ran for 29 hours, most of them. The starting line was Route 66 and Main Street in Elk City and the finish line was the Fort Reno Chapel (which I would visit that night).  Bret Sholar, of the Pirana Brothers (?) was one of the organizers, but the winner was Tim Neckar of Houston.

A woman named Sarah Spelt of Pleasant Hill (east of San Francisco) was quoted as saying that this was her “50th birthday present to herself.” She ran for 25 hours straight as a birthday present to herself. Good going, Sarah. On my next multiple of 5 (2 years from now), I plan to walk the 20 yards to my refrigerator to get myself a Diet Dr. Pepper. But you keep right on running those 25 hour races. Apparently, this year, the race attracted participants from Germany, California, Arizona and Colorado, all of whom had the supreme pleasure of running for more than a day without stopping. Good on them, as the British like to say! There were 175 of these loons who ran 100 miles.

Immediately after the tragic story of the (unsolved) murder of DeWayne Moore and the 100 mile race was the story “More About Head Lice” on pp. 10 and 11B.

After dinner, we drove past the old Phillips Motel (a remnant of Route 66) and out to Fort El Reno to join Bob Warren and Jessica Wells and four sets of 20 people who were joining me (us) on a tour of the old El Reno Fort Grounds, including the cemetery. This is an 1874 military camp, which I wrote about in “Ghostly Tales of Route 66.”

More on the tour in my next correspondence from the road.

Bill Maher Appears at Chicago Theater on July 25, 2008

Bill MaherBill Maher, the acerbic comic whose “Politically Incorrect” television show launched a thousand controversies, played the Chicago Theater for one night only on Friday, July 25th and delighted a sold-out crowd.

Where to begin with an analysis of Maher’s ability to offend with his cynicism? He aimed many barbs at politicians, of course…even Illinois’ own Barack Obama, although, this night, he did end his stand-up routine with the comment, “Thanks for the candidate.”

Poor John McCain received the butt of the ribbing, with age-related comments that I won’t repeat, as they were pretty much what was to be expected. What was not expected was Maher’s criticism of some of Obama’s votes, and his follow-up comment, “I don’t make this stuff up, Folks. I just report it.”

In the middle of the show, Archer Midland-Daniels was mentioned, and a loud shout of support rose from a crowd member, whom Maher then crucified, expressing a great deal of dislike for the giant corporation. He also came down hard on corn. Yes, corn. He doesn’t like corn, apparently, whether it is as an alternative fuel or a foodstuff. He just does not like corn. What can I say? Take it up with Maher.

About the time that he was ragging on corn and farmers (whom he criticized as the biggest welfare queens) and all corn-related topics, someone heckled him from the midwestern crowd filling all the seats this night. Maher looked calmly into the crowd, found the heckler and said, “Now, that really didn’t add anything to the show, did it?” very calmly, as though this happens to him all the time. Cool.

I used to go to a chat room online called “Hollywood Café” and some of Maher’s writers were not glowing in their praise of him. However, his riff on religion and marriage, both topics he has addressed on his show (to say he is “a confirmed bachelor” is putting it mildly) were familiar and funny.

We were 3 rows from the top of this many-tiered palace of entertainment. I had just made a trip to the restrooms located in the bowels of the theater, which were another 3 to 5 flights of stairs. By the time I had climbed from the basement to 3 rows from the top, I needed oxygen. I don’t think I was alone. I could almost touch the Indian mural on the ceiling and the chandelier near it. Maher looked like a speck onstage, wearing what appeared to be a tan tee shirt with some sort of logo that I would have needed binoculars to make out.

His voice, however, rang out loud and clear, as did his lampooning of everything from gas prices to the demise of George W. Bush (let’s understate his comments and say that he is not a big Bush supporter), to why his married friends’ wives don’t like him hanging around, reminding their husbands of what they are missing.

It was vintage Maher on his one stop in the Windy City, and, Democrat or Republican, Christian, Jew or Muslim, there was enough material in his act to offend everyone at least once, and all of it was funny.

Chicago News and Views

    A quick look at Chicago’s news, where I now report from, tells me that there are some issues in Chicago that have not made the local Quad City newspapers. For instance, there was a shooting near the Taste of Chicago, which Mayor Daley is trying to play down as having had anything to do with that massive annual event. The cab talk is all about whether it will have a negative effect on Chicago’s bid for the Olympics. If the shooting outside Grant Park and off the Festival site doesn’t do it, then will the 10.25% sales tax deter visitors to this fair city?

 

     Another city vignette: a newborn baby boy was found abandoned in the courtyard of an Uptown apartment building at about 2:00 a.m. The 5 lb. Baby boy left in the 4600 block of North Beacon Street inside a grocery bag amid shrubbery was crying to save his life (which it did) in the 70-degree temperature. His body temperature had dropped to 86 degrees in the cool night air and he might not have survived if one of the apartment’s residents had not gone outside to investigate, found the child, and taken it to a nearby fire station. The child had cried for at least two hours before anyone thought to investigate, but it was after 2 in the morning.

      A third interesting story detailed how a Lake Hills man known as Edward F. Bachner IV tried to hire a hit man to kill his wife, after he had taken out a $5 million dollar life insurance policy on her. The odd thing is that the wife didn’t know about the “hit-for-hire” until she found out in court, and the method that the would-be murderer eventually settled on to do her in: Pufferfish.  I just wrote a story entitled “Pufferfish.” Who knew that Pufferfish venom is among the most deadly of poisons? Dr. Frank Paloucek, clinical expert in toxicology, says that the Tetraodontidae family of poisons (specifically, the deadly poisonous pufferfish) “would be a terrible way to die, in my opinion, because you could be very easily conscious at the time you stop breathing. You wouldn’t be feeling that you weren’t breathing, and you would be conscious of it, and you would die because you would pass out. The death is a respiratory death. Your lungs stop working and your brain loses enough oxygen for long enough, and then you’re dead.” Yup. That’ll do it. Stay away from Pufferfish. Edward F. Bachner IV had apparently pretended to be someone who had a legitimate reason for owning pufferfish poison, and he had a bunch of it! He also had 50 knives, garrotes that could be used to choke people to death, a gun, two passports, and a phony CIA badge. Wow! The Pufferfish Conspiracy has made all the papers, and I’m thinking that I was way ahead of THAT learning curve with my little story! Just so you know: “If it was a 220-pound person, you would need one-thousandth of a gram, or one-32,000th of an ounce to kill an adult” with Pufferfish poison. Another wow, there. The reason given? Marine animals have to be far more poisonous than land animals to kill their pretty, because they are operating in 3 dimensions instead of 2. (I’m not sure I understood that last part, but I’m just here to report the news of the day in Chicago by the Lake.)

      There was also a story about a 96-year-old man who has a lot of opinions (Garrison Keillor) and a happy story about a young boy who was lost for hours, but was found unharmed. That, at least, was a “happy” ending.

Quartet Leaves Baby in Airport; Pilot Found Wandering, Drunk and Naked, in the Woods

pinnacle     Two incredible airline stories were reported, one by Abha Malpani on May 14th, when she reported on four adults, rushing to board an Air Canada flight from Vancouver to Winnipeg, who accidentally left their 2-year-old behind in the airport. The quartet (quintet, if the baby is counted) had only 10 minutes to make the plane and each adult thought one of the other adults had the child. Air Canada saved the day by figuring out who the child was, where the parents had gone, and putting the baby on the next flight to Winnipeg.

 

     Then there’s the story reported by Grant Martin on May 20th regarding a Pinnacle Airlines pilot, Jeffrey Paul Bradford, who was out for the evening partying hearty with one of the flight attendants, Adrianna Grace Conner, near Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, when the pair, both 24, decided to “go do it in the woods,” according to Lower Swatara Township Police Sergeant Richard Brandt. Somehow, the pair became separated.

     The flight attendant found a fireman’s vehicle parked in his home driveway and made enough noise getting in it to rouse the owner, who inquired about why a nude woman was in his firetruck. Adrianna was later charged with theft from a motor vehicle (she took a flashlight) and public drunkenness.

     The pilot, clad only in flip-flops and a wristwatch, who was found hiding behind a shed, was not quite as lucky. Although he did make contact with another woman and asked her to bring him a pair of shorts, she called 911, instead, which brought a helicopter and authorities (rather than the pair of shorts the drunk  naked pilot had requested) and charged him with all the things you would think he would be charged with: public drunkenness, indecent exposure, public lewdness, etc., etc. etc.

     Pinnacle Airlines is owned by Northwest Airlines, which also owns Compass Airlines. Just last month, a Compass Airlines pilot set fire to his plane rather than fly a route he didn’t want to fly.

 

     So, in other words, it’s just another day in the friendly skies.

Some Statistics to Ponder

Change Is On the Way…..Food for Thought

1) Light sweet crude oil for June delivery has reached a record of $126.20 on the New York Mercantile Exchange. Trouble with Hugo Chavez in Venezuela could drive the prices even higher. One expert predicts $6 a gallon gas within two years.

2) In the year 1950, whites made up 28% of the world population and Africans 9%. The ratio was 3-to-1. In 2060, the ratio will remain the same, but the colors will be reversed.

3) People of African ancestry will make up 25% of the world’s population by 2060, according to the National Policy Institute in Augusta, Georgia.

4) By 2060, 200 million white (Caucasian) people—1 in every 6 on Earth—will disappear. [That is a number equal to the population(s) of France, Britain, Holland and Germany combined.]

5) People of Arabic heritage numbered 94 million in 1948, when the state of Israel was formed. At that time, Arabs were outnumbered 7 to 1 by Europeans. Arabic peoples will rise to 743 million by 2060, which is 10x more than now. They will make up 75% of the white population.

6) By 2050, one-fourth of all the people of Eastern Europe will have vanished.

7) The Ukraine will lose 1/3 of its population.

8) Russia had 150 million people when the Soviet Union broke up in the Reagan years; today, there are 142 million people in the Ukraine and they will decrease to 108 million. This represents a population loss that is greater than the genocide that Hitler and Stalin, combined, perpetrated on those countries.

9) By 2050, Iran’s population will have risen from the 71 million of today to 100 million.

10) Pakistan will add 84 million to reach 300 million people (about the same as today’s United States).

11) Afghanistan’s population will increase threefold, from 27 million to 79 million.

12) Iran will go from 29 million to 62 million by 2060. (Most of the population in Iran is young).

13) The Hispanic population of the United States will triple to 127 million by 2050, with Mexico’s population increasing to 130 million. Some sort of merger with Mexico would seem to be in the cards, and one cannot rule out a merger with our neighbors to the north, either.

“It’s a Really Big Shoe….”

Weinermobile benefited from Giant Shoe built in 1922 by Harry Hallas in Davenport, Iowa.

As readers of my blog know, I just did a story on the Weinermobile, a 27-foot vehicle that visited the Quad Cities recently, with its 2-month-old baby brother in tow, a 13-foot smaller weiner, built on a Mini Cooper chassis. [See blog archives.]

But how many Quad City readers are aware that, back in 1922, a local business (Hallas & Mead) built a giant shoe thirteen feet long that weighed about a ton and was an exact metal replica of a work shoe of the day, for advertising purposes for the Mendel Shoe Store?

Back in December of 1978, Jim Arpy (now retired) of the Quad City Times interviewed the then-77-year-old creator of the giant shoe, Harry Hallas, a sheet-metal fabricator for 25 years for his brother, George. George, along with Arthur Mead, owned Hallas and Mead Company (24th St. and 3rd Avenue.) Harry Hallas worked there for 47 years, but building the Big Shoe was among his most unusual job chores…right up there with prying six bullets out of one of John Looney’s vehicles following a gun battle.

The Hallas and Mead Company is long gone, but listen to Harry Hallas talk about one of the prototypical vehicles that the Weinermobile is based on, and a vehicle he helped build:

Harry Hallas:

“I can’t for the life of me remember where Mendel’s (Shoe Store) was located, but one day he (Mendel) came into the shop and said he wanted us to make a shoe large enough to be mounted on a Model T Ford chassis. We’d never done anything like that, but we were the only place in the area equipped to do it, so we took it on.”

[Hallas and the partners worked for about a year to complete the shoe, which had a driver who sat in the arch behind a windshield and steered conventionally, separated from the rear and uppers by a compartment door. The shoe also had eyelet hooks (three of them) on each side and four similarly-situated large holes for the same purpose and was painted work-shoe brown.]

Hallas: “It sure stirred a lot of interest. I don’t think we would have accepted any more orders like that. We didn’t want that kind of business, because it was too much work and took too much time. We didn’t make a dime on it. In fact, if the truth were known, we probably lost money, but it was a challenge we wanted to try.”

Every weekend, Mendel, (the shoe store owner), would come to the shop and create more of the shoe shape out of wire.

Hallas: “Then, following Mendel’s pattern, we’d take the wires out and replace them with one-inch channel iron every four inches. The skin was riveted galvanized iron. When we were done with it, it went to the paint shop and was painted to look just like a big brown work shoe. I never did hear what happened to it, but I’d sure like to know,” said the 77-year-old Harry Hallas back in 1978, when the original Jim Arpy interview was conducted. [If Harry Hallas were alive today, he’d be 106, so it’s probably safe to say that he never saw the Big Work Shoe again.]

If anybody knows the whereabouts of Mendel’s Giant Shoe, drop me a line.

Wienermobile Hits Town

Bill Blansett Shows Off the Goods

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The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile is all over the Quad Cities and was in the parking lot of the Hy-Vee Food Store at 2351 West Locust from 2 to 5 p.m. on Friday, May 9th. Three “hotdoggers,” Bill Blansett, 23, a graduate of Pennsylvania State in Advertising, Stephanie Geidel, 24, a graduate with a degree in sports management and a Master’s in Education from the State University of New York at Cortland who plans to teach, and Nick Osiecki, a graduate of the University of Wisconsin, were the three “hotdoggers” driving the two vehicles in the Quad Cities. The Oscar Mayer hotdogger team is comprised of 12 individuals who are chosen from recent college graduates. They travel the country, handing out whistles and small hot dogs and other Oscar Mayer paraphernalia at stops arranged by sponsors.

Stephanie Giedel and Bill Blanchett in Davenport, IowaThe concept of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile began seventy-two years ago (1936) with a thirteen-foot metal hot dog on wheels in Chicago. The small hotdog mobile is the eleventh design and is built upon the frame of a Mini Cooper. The small fifteen foot car gets about 25 to 30 mpg. The larger Wienermobile, at 27 feet with a sky roof, gets only 10 to 15 mpg and costs about $115 to fill the 32.1 gallon tank. Normally, the team travels about 500 miles per week.

In addition to the sky roof, there is a hot-dog-shaped instrument panel, a 27-inch color video monitor, seating for six in relish-colored seats, two exterior cameras, illuminated Oscar Mayer logos, a gull wing door and condiments decorating the carpeting of the vehicle.

Weinermobile at HyVee Foods, 2351 W. Locust St., Davenport, IAThe three in town on Friday described it as “a good thing to do for a year if you aren’t sure what you want to do permanently.” Mr. Blansett was interviewing by phone for a job while present in Davenport. Nick Osiecki has been thinking of going into television sales (after abandoning writing as a career) and Steph Geidel, whose mother is an elementary school teacher, thinks she will teach.

Hot dog Kudos to all!

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